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expert reviewedAuthor: Expert reviewer:
October 21, 2022
mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor
By Sarah Regan
mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor
Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. She received her bachelor's in broadcasting and mass communication from SUNY Oswego, and lives in Buffalo, New York.
Expert review by
Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, A-CBT, CST
ASSECT-certified sex therapist
Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, A-CBT, CST, is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Brooklyn, NY.
How to get support October 21, 2022 Our editors have independently chosen the products listed on this page. If you purchase something mentioned in this article, we may earn a small commission. Emotional abuse can come from anyone in our lives, including parents. But because abuse exists on a wide spectrum, it can be difficult to spot. We asked therapists which signs of emotionally abusive parents to watch out for—plus what to do if you realize you're experiencing or have experienced it. Here's what to know.
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What is emotional abuse?
"Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that is designed to control, subdue, punish, or isolate another person through the use of humiliation or fear," intimate partner violence experts Günnur Karakurt, Ph.D., LMFT, andKristin E. Silver write in the Violence and Victims1 journal. "It targets the emotional and psychological well-being of the victim, and it is often a precursor to physical abuse."
Emotional abuse can look like a lot of things, but according to relationship therapist Ken Page, LCSW, it can be defined as anything devaluing, demeaning, or neglectful to another person's feelings or experiences, "which leaves them feeling less-than, ashamed, incapable, and not valuable."
And as psychiatrist Anna Yusim, M.D., previously explained to mbg, emotional abuse often goes hand in hand with verbal abuse, which encompasses the use of words in an attempt to control, manipulate, or harm another.
Signs of emotionally abusive parents:
1.
Neglect
Neglect is defined as a failure to care for something properly, and according to Page, it's one of the main signs of an emotionally abusive parent. Neglect makes the child feel their parent doesn't really care about them, whether it's neglecting their emotional needs (i.e., when they're upset), physical needs (i.e., when they're sick or hungry), or simply disregarding them more often than not.
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2.
Constant criticism or blaming
Constant criticism or blaming can be a form of emotional abuse, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT. As Nuñez previously explained to mbg, having a parent who's always criticizing or blaming you, and never taking accountability for themselves, is emotionally abusive. This can look like the parents playing the victim, saying everything is always the child's fault, and generally avoiding responsibility for their actions.
3.
Inconsistency
Another subtle sign of emotionally abusive parents that's harder to spot is inconsistency. As Page notes, inconsistency based on how the parent is feeling any given time (aka something is OK today, but the same thing gets the child terribly punished tomorrow) can leave a child without any sense of clarity or control.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST, that unpredictable behavior also leads children to feel like they're walking on eggshells in their own home. "Everything can be fine and everyone's got a smile on their face, and then you hit one land mine and everything blows up," she explains.
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4.
Unchecked mental health and/or substance abuse problems
According to Page, any unstable psychiatric disorder, or an active substance addiction, can often result in emotional abuse in significant ways. "You can not have an active substance abuse problem or an untreated serious or unstable serious psychiatric disorder and not cause harm and pain in profound ways to your child," he tells mbg.
5.
Comparisons
Parents who frequently compare their children to siblings, peers, or even themselves, can easily cause harm to their children, Page explains. This can sound like, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or even, "When I was your age, I would never leave the house looking like that," which can make the child feel they're not lovable or enough just as they are.
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6.
Verbal cruelty
This one might seem obvious, but it's worth calling out. Verbal abuse exists on a spectrum, with subtler forms to overt ones, says Page. "On the extreme end of the spectrum would be verbal cruelty—screaming, yelling, demeaning the person's character, demeaning who they are and demeaning their values—and doing it in an abusive and cruel way."
7.
Missing children's bids
Page says a parent consistently ignoring their child's bids for attention can be another subtle form of emotional abuse. The idea of "bidding for attention," in this case, would be a child trying to get their parents' recognition, attention, and/or validation.
To have bids ignored constantly, Page says, causes a lot of pain over time. As psychologist and micro-trauma expert Margaret Crastnopol, Ph.D., previously explained to mbg, "By shortening or postponing contact, spreading it out, or minimizing its original importance, the one stepping back from contact inflicts micro-trauma by undercutting the other person psychologically."
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8.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a telltale sign of emotional abuse. It involves psychologically manipulating someone to question their own reality, feelings, and experiences of events, in order to maintain control over that person. It can sound like, "I never said that—you're making it up," or "You're being dramatic about this."
Parents are certainly not immune to gaslighting their children, and as therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, "Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and [the other person] in the 'wrong.'"
(Here's our full guide to gaslighting parents.)
9.
Emotional incest
Lastly, emotional incest, also sometimes called covert incest, is another form of emotional abuse and involves a parent using their child for emotional fulfillment. As clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Robert Weiss, Ph.D., MSW, previously wrote for mbg, "The child is forced to support the abusive adult by serving as a trusted confidante or an 'emotional spouse.'"
Although emotional incest does not involve direct sexual touch, he explains, "these emotional enmeshment relationships have a sexualized undertone, with the parent expressing overly graphic interest in the child's physical development and sexual characteristics or betraying the child's boundaries through invasions of privacy, sexualized conversations, and the like."
What effects do emotionally abusive parents have?
Just as emotional abuse exists on a spectrum, so, too, do its effects, which can range from mild to severe, depending on how much abuse a child endured.
Taking a look at the research, one paper published in the Pakistan Journal of Medical Sciences2 concluded that psychological abuse is tied to a variety of problems, including but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders, low self-esteem, aggression, emotional unresponsiveness, and neuroticism.
As Page explains, children with emotionally abusive parents may suppress themselves, or alternatively, act out on their feelings and impulses. He also notes that as humans, we mirror what was done to us if we haven't processed it. "And that's why the Buddhists say when you heal a family lineage wound like this, you heal seven generations past and seven generations future," he says.
And when children replicate these behaviors, either in the form of negative self-talk or lashing out at others in the way their parents lashed out at them, they're carrying on that family chain. "It keeps the experience of emotional abuse alive in your body, in your heart—because when you talk to yourself that way, your body takes it as truth. And so you are actually replicating the pain of the abuse you experienced in your childhood," Page explains.
Then, of course, we have to consider that these children grow up into adults with their own relationships to tend to. And if the emotional abuse they endured hasn't been dealt with, according to Page, this is when we see things like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment styles, problems with trust and intimacy, and so forth. Adults with emotionally abusive parents may even go on to mirror those same patterns with their own children, as well.
A note on the inevitably of emotional wounding.
Before we get into how to handle emotional abuse from a parent, it's worth noting that no parent gets away without some behavior that causes pain to their child, according to Page. "If you were a perfect parent, you would be cursing your child because they would never be able to free themselves from your perfection, to rebel and break away," he says, adding, "Your child needs to see your brokenness so they can dis-identify with that and say, 'I want to be different.'"
It's inevitable that at one point or another, parents are going to unintentionally harm their children emotionally, he explains. They key, however, is parents recognizing when it's happening, listening to their children, and making adjustments.
"Your child is going to tell you ways you're hurting them, and if it doesn't happen, that's actually really bad," Page explains. "Our job as parents is to turn ourselves inside out and shift character traits that we know are hurting our child. This takes tremendous bravery, but it's also tremendously empowering to the child when they tell you what you're doing is hurting them. And you listen, and you really try to change—that's the concept of 'rupture and repair.' There will be rupture, so what are you willing to do to repair?"
How to get support.
The first step to healing from growing up with emotionally abusive parents is recognizing that it happened (or is still happening) in the first place, which can be tough.
Once you've pinpointed the behaviors that need to be worked on, and if you think your parents will be open enough to hearing you, you can try having an honest dialogue about the way you've been hurt. Page says family therapy can be a really helpful tool in this case.
If family therapy doesn't seem like a real possibility, individual therapy (such as cognitive and/or dialectical behavior therapy, EMDR, or brain spotting) can also be useful. In fact, it may even be beneficial to see a family therapist and a one-on-one therapist, if possible.
And because emotional abuse can wind up bleeding into our other relationships, Page explains, it's also so necessary to find friends who you feel genuinely supported by and safe with. "People who don't replicate that kind of abuse to you are so important because if this is being replicated, you won't be able to heal it," he notes.
If you do all these things and feel like the dynamic in your family isn't changing, from there, it may be time to put some boundaries up. As licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., previously told mbg, "Really think about the ways you can set boundaries and give yourself permission," adding that if you want to skip a family gathering, keep your distance, and/or stand up for yourself, you have every right to do so.
The takeaway.
Emotional abuse can happen to anyone, at the hands of anyone. No one is immune, and in the case of children with emotionally abusive parents, the ramifications can be extremely harmful. But by identifying how your parents may have abused you emotionally, whether in childhood or still today, you'll be more equipped to heal that trauma within yourself and potentially even your relationship with your parents.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat ontheir website.
FAQs
What are the 5 signs of emotional abuse? ›
- They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You. ...
- They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy. ...
- They are Possessive and/or Controlling. ...
- They are Manipulative. ...
- They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings.
Examples include intimidation, coercion, ridiculing, harassment, treating an adult like a child, isolating an adult from family, friends, or regular activity, use of silence to control behavior, and yelling or swearing which results in mental distress. Signs of emotional abuse.
What is psychological abuse by a parent? ›Emotional abuse happens when a child is repeatedly made to feel worthless, unloved, alone or scared. Also known as psychological or verbal abuse, it is the most common form of child abuse. It can include constant rejection, hostility, teasing, bullying, yelling, criticism and exposure to family violence.
What does the cycle of emotional abuse look like? ›The cycle of abuse is made up of four stages. These stages include the building of tension, the abuse incident, the reconciliation, and a period of calm.
Which are the 3 main warning signs that someone may be an abuser? ›- Jealousy and Possessiveness. Wants to be with you constantly. ...
- Controlling Behavior. ...
- Quick Involvement. ...
- Unrealistic Expectations. ...
- Isolation. ...
- Blames Others for Problems. ...
- Blames Others for Feelings. ...
- Hypersensitivity.
- Gaslighting. ...
- Isolating you from loved ones. ...
- Using insulting language. ...
- Yelling. ...
- Shifting the blame. ...
- Acting extremely jealous. ...
- Outbursts of unpredictable anger.
- Signs of narcissistic abuse include:
- Love-bombing. It's not unusual for people with NPD to shower you with compliments and affection. ...
- Gaslighting. ...
- Ignoring boundaries. ...
- Projecting. ...
- Nitpicking. ...
- Some common examples of narcissistic abuse include: ...
- Anxiety and depression.
“If a parent's mood swings made you feel like you were always walking on eggshells and you were always nervous or scared of what would happen when they were around (even if nothing 'bad' ever happened), that's emotionally abusive behavior,” Christi Garner, LMFT, tells Bustle.
What is a trauma bonded relationship? ›A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It is reflective of an attachment created by repeating physical or emotional trauma with positive reinforcement. It can be hard to spot and even harder to break free from.
What are the 7 main categories of abuse? ›Types of abuse include; physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, emotional and mental, financial and spiritual.
Are my parents toxic or is it me? ›
Some of the common signs of a toxic parent or parents include: Highly negatively reactive. Toxic parents are emotionally out of control. They tend to dramatize even minor issues and see any possible slight as a reason to become hostile, angry, verbally abusive, or destructive.
Can an abusive parent cause PTSD? ›Exposure to child physical abuse and parents' domestic violence can subject youth to pervasive traumatic stress and lead to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Is a narcissistic parent considered abuse? ›The victims of narcissistic parent abuse typically feel ashamed, unimportant, and insignificant. They may also feel responsible for the abusive behaviour or believe that they deserved their treatment. There are different types of narcissistic parent abuse. It can be physical, psychological, and emotional.
What are signs of a toxic mother? ›- They're self-centered. They don't think about your needs or feelings.
- They're emotional loose cannons. They overreact, or create drama.
- They overshare. ...
- They seek control. ...
- They're harshly critical. ...
- They lack boundaries.
Unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, relationship problems and physical symptoms like headaches or nausea are some of the ways that unresolved trauma can manifest, according to the American Psychological Association.
What are three signs of childhood trauma? ›Traumatic experiences can initiate strong emotions and physical reactions that can persist long after the event. Children may feel terror, helplessness, or fear, as well as physiological reactions such as heart pounding, vomiting, or loss of bowel or bladder control.
Do emotional abusers know they're doing it? ›Emotional abuse may be unintentional, where the person doesn't realize they are hurting someone else, according to Engel. And, “some people are reenacting patterns of being in a relationship that they learn from their parents or their caregivers,” adds Heidi Kar, Ph.
What does years of emotional abuse do? ›Long-term emotional abuse can also result in several health problems, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic pain, and more.
What happens to your brain with emotional abuse? ›Emotional abuse is linked to thinning of certain areas of the brain that help you manage emotions and be self-aware — especially the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe. Epigenetic changes and depression. Research from 2018 has connected childhood abuse to epigenetic brain changes that may cause depression.
What is the most difficult abuse to identify? ›Emotional abuse often coexists with other forms of abuse, and it is the most difficult to identify. Many of its potential consequences, such as learning and speech problems and delays in physical development, can also occur in children who are not being emotionally abused.
What is the personality of an abuser? ›
An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members. An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects. An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world.
Do I have emotional abuse trauma? ›Common Signs of PTSD from Emotional Abuse
Developing an eating disorder (ED) Impulsive behavior. Reliving past traumas. Having nightmares or flashbacks.
Indicators of Emotional Abuse
Bed-wetting or bed soiling that has no medical cause. Frequent psychosomatic complaints (e.g. headaches, nausea, abdominal pains) Prolonged vomiting or diarrhoea.
Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse, but it's often unrecognized, because it may be subtle and insidious. It may be said in a loving, quiet voice, or be indirect—or even concealed as a joke.
What does parental narcissistic abuse look like? ›A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.
What are the red flags of a narcissist? ›Here are some narcissism red flags to look out for: Lacking empathy. They seem unable or unwilling to have empathy for others, and they appear to have no desire for emotional intimacy. Unrealistic sense of entitlement.
What is the silent treatment narcissist? ›Basically, the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive behavior by which an abuser communicates some sort of negative message to the intended victim that only the perpetrator and the victim recognize through nonverbal communication.
What is parental Gaslighting? ›Parental gaslighting is a subtle and covert form of emotional abuse. These parents manipulate to undermine the child's sense of reality and mental stability. Some well-meaning parents may gaslight their children in an attempt to protect them.
How do you prove a mentally abusive parent? ›- Texts, messages or emails.
- Character witnesses.
- Eyewitness accounts.
- Photographs.
- Video recordings.
- Medical or psychiatric records.
- Information from the child's school or teachers.
- Police or incident reports.
- She Has Extreme Mood Swings. ...
- Nothing Seems To Make Her Happy. ...
- She Somehow Manages To Make Everything About Her. ...
- She Doesn't Seem To Have Any Boundaries. ...
- She's Been Experiencing Aches And Pains. ...
- She Hasn't Been Taking Care Of Herself.
What is trauma dumping? ›
Trauma dumping: With trauma dumping, you overshare difficult or intimate personal information without the other person's consent or during inappropriate times. You don't consider how your words impact the listener, and you're not open to advice or solutions.
What is a fawn response to narcissistic abuse? ›A fawn response, also called submit, is common among codependents and typical in trauma-bonded relationships with narcissists and abusers. When fawning, we seek to please and appease someone to avoid conflict. Internally, we're unable to regulate our emotions. We frantically look to someone else to normalize them.
How do you know if you are traumatized? ›Intrusive memories
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.
Types of Childhood Trauma
Sexual or physical abuse. Natural disaster (hurricane, earthquake, flood) Car or plane crashes. War.
Passive neglect is the non-willful failure to fulfill care-taking responsibilities because of inadequate caregiver knowledge, infirmity, or disputing the value of prescribed services. Self-Neglect. This is the adult's inability, due to physical and/or mental impairments, to perform tasks essential to caring for oneself ...
What are the 4 types of child neglect? ›- Physical Neglect. The failure to provide necessary food, clothing, and shelter; inappropriate or lack of supervision.
- Medical Neglect. The failure to provide necessary medical or mental health treatment.
- Educational Neglect. ...
- Emotional Neglect.
The most common toxic behavior of parents is to criticize their child, express self-wishes, complain about the difficulties of raising a child, make unhealthy comparisons, and make hurtful statements1.
What is a manipulative parent? ›In most cases, manipulative parents refer to parents who use covert psychological methods to control the child's activities and behavior in such a way as to prevent the child from becoming an independent adult apart from their control.
What are examples of Parentification? ›What is an example of parentification? Parentification can take the form of responsibility for life tasks (caring for a sibling, cooking and cleaning, or paying bills) or age-inappropriate emotional support (listening to adult problems, offering advice, or mediating with another family member).
What counts as childhood trauma? ›- Psychological, physical, or sexual abuse.
- Community or school violence.
- Witnessing or experiencing domestic violence.
- National disasters or terrorism.
- Commercial sexual exploitation.
- Sudden or violent loss of a loved one.
- Refugee or war experiences.
How do you know if you were the invisible child? ›
AN INVISIBLE CHILD is one who does not initially stand out for any reason. This child is not extremely athletic, overly popular, or very outgoing. This child invariably follows all of the rules. An invisible child is compliant, well-behaved, and rarely does anything to call attention to himself or herself.
What does a narcissistic mother say? ›“You knew I didn't like it, but you still did it to hurt me.” “You only think about yourself.” “You always look for attention.” “You don't deserve everything that I have done for you.”
How do I know if my parent has narcissistic personality disorder? ›- They see their child as a source of validation. ...
- They are emotionally reactive, but shame their child's emotions. ...
- They always put their own needs first. ...
- They have poor boundaries. ...
- They play favorites. ...
- They shift blame onto their children. ...
- They expect the child to be the caregiver.
It's a phenomenon called the narcissistic abuse cycle. This cycle is broken down into three important phases: idealization, devaluation, and rejection. By understanding these key points, people who are struggling with narcissism or those who are in a relationship with a narcissist can get the help they need.
What do I do if I have emotionally abusive parents? ›- When the abuse is happening, try to stay calm: ...
- Identify abusive patterns: ...
- Try to express your emotions: ...
- Talk to an elder, a friend, or a professional about it: ...
- Always remember that it is okay to love your parents still: ...
- Try to spend less time with your parents:
- Constantly criticizing the child.
- Blaming the child for adult problems.
- Rejecting the child repeatedly.
- Dismissing the child's feelings.
- Deliberately causing the child emotional pain.
- Ridiculing the child or mocking them.
- Humiliating or publicly shaming the child.
- Talking down to the child.
Personal Attacks Common examples include criticizing, name calling, mocking responses, defaming character, berating feelings, and judging opinions. No Apology – Parents refuse to take responsibility, become hostile, invalidate or dismiss feelings of the child, lie, and conveniently forget promises or commitments.
What causes emotionally abusive parents? ›Causes of Emotional Abuse
Abusive parents suffered from parental abuse in their own childhood. Affective disorders, depression, etc. Substance abuse such as alcohol and drug use.
It can cause serious short-term and long-term effects for people facing it. Children who have experienced emotional abuse may continue to feel its effects into adulthood. These can include extremely low self-esteem, negative relationships, and other physical or mental health effects.
How do you detach from an emotionally abusive mother? ›- Set boundaries with your parents (and enforcing them!)
- Accept the guilt (and live with the discomfort)
- Don't try to change them—change what you can control.
- Take care of yourself first.
- Surround yourself with supportive relationships.
How do toxic parents behave? ›
- Stop trying to please them. ...
- Set and enforce boundaries. ...
- Don't try to change them. ...
- Be mindful of what you share with them. ...
- Know your parents' limitations and work around them — but only if you want to. ...
- Have an exit strategy. ...
- Don't try to reason with them.
The effects of verbal abuse from a girl's mother may not only have detrimental effects on her self-esteem and self-awareness but may also change her perception of how she should act as a grown woman. Without a healthy example of a mothering role, girls can grow up thinking abusive behavior is normal and expected.
What type of parenting style is abusive? ›Abusive parenting includes emotional, physical or sexual abuse and neglect. Abusive parenting causes lasting damage and must be stopped. Parents in a family often have different parenting styles. One may be strict and the other more lenient.
What qualifies as narcissistic abuse? ›Narcissistic abuse refers to the emotional, physical, sexual, or financial forms of abuse that a narcissist inflicts on others. This abuse can range from mild putdowns to severe, life-threatening violence. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you may frequently feel angry, confused, or alone.
Can parental emotional abuse cause PTSD? ›Emotional abuse can lead to C-PTSD, a type of PTSD that involves ongoing trauma. C-PTSD shows many of the same symptoms as PTSD, although its symptoms and causes can differ. Treatment should be tailored to the situation to address the ongoing trauma the person experienced from emotional abuse.