Did you recently go no contact with a narcissist, or think of doing it?
You’ve got the right idea.
Going no contact is probably the most effective way to escape the claws of a narcissist.
However, it’s not as easy as blocking his number.
The narcissist isn’t the “if you love somebody set them free” kind of person.
He (or she) is going to fight! No contact is a huge ego blow to a narcissist, so he’s going to do everything in his power to get you back, or at least to punish you.
If you really want to remove a malignant narcissist from your life and stop him from destroying you any further, you need to know exactly what to expect when you go no contact, so you can stay no contact.
What is No Contact?
No contact is a very simple concept. It’s a total cessation of all contact with the narcissist. That means NO
- casual hookups
- hangouts in a group setting
- staying “friends”
- accepting gifts
- phone calls
- text messages
- social media messages
- social media following.
But cessation of all physical and social contact isn’t enough.
If you really want to untangle yourself from a narcissist, you have to cut them off emotionally and spiritually, too. That means NO MORE
- thinking or daydreaming about the narcissist
- reminiscing about “the good times”
- trying to decipher their messages or actions
- talking to friends about the narcissist
- looking at pictures of the narcissist
- driving past places that remind you of the narcissist
- holding on to gifts or other objects that are linked to the narcissist
- listening to the music you associate with the narcissist
- making excuses for the narcissist’s behavior
- having mental conversations with the narcissist
- reliving the painful moments
- plotting a revenge against the narcissist
- fixating on the narcissist in any way.
Now that you know exactly what no contact is, and how to implement it on all levels, let’s look at the biggest mistakes you need to avoid when you want to cut the narcissist out of your life, for good.
10 Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact with a Narcissist
1. Underestimating the narcissist
This is the biggest mistake you can make when going no contact with your narcissist.
He will throw everything at you to get his “supply” back. That will include pulling on the heartstrings, pleading, appealing to your compassion…
He will unleash every weapon in his manipulative arsenal.
The narcissist will even “nuke” you if he has to: meaning, he will try to destroy your reputation, social life, career, relationships with other people…
Never underestimate how cunning and destructive a narcissist can be.
2. Breaking no contact to reinforce no contact
Most likely, the narcissist will start “hoovering” to suck you back into a relationship.
In other words, he will be confessing his undying love for you, telling you that you’re the ONE, showering you with empty promises, sugarcoated pleasantries, and other fake overtures to wear you down.
At some point you might be tempted to respond, just to stop him from contacting you again.
You might say something like: “This is over. Please don’t send me any more messages.”
BIG mistake. You just told your narcissist: whatever you’re doing is working. Continue.
3. Needing a closure
This goes without saying: you will NOT get the closure you’re seeking with a narcissist. No contact is the best it’s going to get.
There will be no heart-to-heart where you talk about why your relationship ended.
He will not acknowledge your pain or admit any faults (unless he’s in his hoovering mode, then, by all means, he’ll say whatever you need to hear).
You will not get any answers from a narcissist.
Don’t try to put a nice little bow on that relationship. It was messy, confusing, painful, abusive and very very exhausting. Just let it go.
4. Falling for the “flying monkeys”
“Flying monkey” is a term that describes people who the narcissist manipulates to do his bidding for him.
So if hoovering doesn’t yield the desired results, your narcissist will recruit other people to put pressure on you or to confuse you.
It could be mutual friends or even family members who will try to talk you out of no contact.
They will say that you’re overreacting, or that you’re being cruel. “He’s a really good guy, and he loves you so much,” they’ll say.
Remember: narcissists are all about projecting their ideal self-image, so few people know their real persona.
The “flying monkeys” may genuinely believe what they’re saying. These people are just pawns in his game.
5. Spying on social media
This may seem harmless but know that the narcissist is fully expecting you to do this (because this is what they are doing).
Think of his social media as a minefield of psycho-emotional booby traps.
Depending on what he thinks will work best on you, he will either be posting lots of sentimental pictures of the two of you or flaunting his new love interest with an intent to make you jealous.
Either way, he’s trying to engage you emotionally. So it’s better to just remove the temptation completely by disconnecting from his social media.
6. Believing he’s changed
You may think that the narcissist has moved on, but he’s just waiting for the right moment to waltz back into your life as a “completely different” person who’s “learned from his mistakes.”
DO NOT allow the narcissist hook you back in, no matter how much it looks like he’d changed.
He can be charming and persuasive, and a part of you desperately wants to believe him, so you’ll be tempted to give him another chance.
But it won’t be long before he pulls the same ole’ sh*t that made you go no contact in the first place.
7. Obsessively analyzing what happened
I know you want to understand the “whys” and to ponder the “whatifs.” It’s normal and even beneficial up to a certain point because it will help you avoid the narcissist trap in the future.
But only to a certain point.
If you’re obsessing over what ended your relationship months or years after the fact, you are still entangled with a narcissist, even if you have no contact with him.
8. Not having a support system
Going no contact with a narcissist is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do.
And what makes it even harder is that at the time you initiate no contact you are in a weakened state.
Because guess what? No one breaks up with a narcissist because they feel awesome and powerful.
The no contact happens when you reach your breaking point; when you can take no more of the abuse, and you’re just too drained.
This is when it’s critical that you surround yourself with a good support system!
So that when you’re tempted to fall back into the oh-so-seductive dance with a narcissist, you’ll have people who know what you went through, can relate to your experience, and support you 100 percent.
9. Empathizing with the narcissist
A part of you will always love him. Always. And you genuinely wish him well. And you take no pleasure in the fact that he is miserable because you have ended the relationship.
But then again, your empathy is a big reason why the narcissist targeted you. Because of it you are more likely to
- succumb to love-bombing
- provide narcissistic supply
- overlook glaring red flags
- try to “fix” the narcissist instead of leaving
- accept emotional abuse
- be manipulated by guilt.
The narcissist WILL play hurt and wounded. He wants you to feel bad for him, and it will be tempting for you to check up on him, or break no contact in some other way. Resist the temptation; this is just a ploy.
10. Defending yourself
During the course of the narcissist’s campaign to win you back he may realize that it’s not working.
You are not falling for his tales of woe, and you are not returning his phone calls or texts no matter what he says.
At this point the narcissist will move on to punishing you, and by that I mean the smear campaign.
The smear campaign is a paradoxical situation where a victim of emotional abuse is made out to be the villain, and people actually join in with the abuser to attack and discredit the victim.
It’s hard to sit back and say nothing when ridiculous lies are hurled at you. It’s natural to want to defend yourself.
But you must try to resist it because defending yourself is still engaging with the narcissist, which constitutes a form of contact.
For an in-depth look at the psychology of narcissism, read 20 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Narcissism
Staying No Contact With a Narcissist, For Good
Going no contact is sort of “the thing” these days.
There’s a million articles online that tell you to go no contact with a narcissist, but what they don’t tell you is that few people pull off no contact with a narcissist the first time.
That’s because the narcissist is so skilled at sucking you back in. Initiating no contact is one thing; maintaining it is quite another…
It requires strength and willpower on your part. And if you’re truly determined, eventually the narcissist will move on to the next target.
However, even when he’s given up on you, he never truly goes away. He feels like if he had you before, he can have you again. That you belong to him.
He may stay in the background for years, keeping tabs on you, watching you. Waiting for the right moment to pounce.
So be mindful of that.
Remember: the most important part of no contact is staying away.
And to do that, you have to cut all forms of contact with the narcissist, especially emotional contact.
You may think: what’s the harm in me holding on to some pictures and mementos? But that’s you leaving the door ajar for the narcissist to walk back into your life…
You have to stay committed to no contact like your life depends on it. Because in a way, it does.
Remember everything they put you through. Remember how deceptive they are, and how much you’ve given them without getting anything in return.
This is your chance to regain the control of your life and get rid of the narcissist, once and for all.
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